Harold's Monologue to Rambling Old Men (2:01 Minutes) Red: Why do you have such a negative attitude towards the festive season, Dalton?ĭalton: Gee, you should come by my house Christmas morning. Red: This is something you play at parties. Red: If your wife had kids, you would be.? Mike: Could you be a little more specific? Red: This is a family member, Mike the man who slept with your mother. Mike Hammer: And today's winner will receive a new house. Red: The building you were in when you were married. Dalton Humphrey, you have 30 seconds to get Uncle Red to say this word- and go!ĭalton Humphrey: Red: Um, OK, but this has no taste to it. Red: Let's say your wife is planning a fancy dinner. Red: What word comes to mind when you think of bone china or crystal? But then I turn on the ol' TV and I don't get to thinkin' at all. Red: Sometimes I get to thinkin' / About all the mistakes I've made / All the people I've hurt / And all the bills I haven't paid / Sometimes I get to thinkin' / I should change and get on the ball. Red: Trapper Jack was hunting bear / A dangerous hobby at best / We brought him back to the doctor in town / And he was a heck of a mess / There was some assembly required / Mostly teeth and bones and hair / Jack had always been good with a knife / But unfortunately, not quite as good as the bear. Red: Oh, you never see a vampire with a full-grown beard / Yet a vampire can't see his reflection / So a lack of facial hair is unbelievably weird / 'Cause you'd think shaving would be out of the question. Red: Oh, hats off to my science teachers / They were absolutely right after all / 'Cause I just threw a fridge off my roof / And cold air definitely falls. Red: Oh, your hands are connected to your arms/ Your arms are connected to your shoulders/ Your shoulders are connected to your body / Your body is connected to your head. Red: A horse with a horn is called a unicorn / A horse with stripes is called a zebra / A horse with wings is called Pegasus / And a horse with a broken leg is called glue. Red: Oh, the mountain is high and the valley is low / It's the laws of nature that make it so / If the valley is high and the mountain is low / You're either upside-down or drunk, or both. Red: If you can't stay young, you can at least stay immature. Red: If your wife's having a good time and you're not, you're still having a better time than if you're having a good time and she's not. Red: Men who need glasses sometimes make passes at women who are already their wives. Red: (as he duct tapes a spare tire to the flat tire) This is only temporary, unless it works. Red: Isn't this great? We've got no overhead! Red: what gets the juices flowing - the adrenaline, the testosterone, the hydrogen peroxide. 'Cause usually you have a plan and you're an idiot. Red: I either have a plan, or I'm an idiot. Harold: ( to audience) He's always been good at staring off into space, so. Red: I could be a great astronomer, Harold! And it could have been so good too, that's what bothers me. Yeah, it's all crap, as far as I'm concerned. Do you think that everything on television is a load of bad stuff?" I prefer to use the term 'a load of bad stuff'. Harold Green: ( reading a letter) "Dear experts -" la la la - "I find that everything on television is a load of crap. ( Translation: When all else fails, play dead.)Īll Lodge members: ( Reciting the "Men's Prayer") I'm a man, but I can change, If I have to, I guess.Īnyone: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game! We're all in this together.Īll Lodge members: ( Possum Lodge oath) Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red: ( closing line of each Mid-Life Musings segment) Remember, I'm pulling for you. Red: ( closing line of each show) Keep your stick on the ice. Red: ( closing line of each Handyman Corner segment) If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Red: ( opening line of each Repair Shop segment) If it ain't broke, you're not trying.
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